Tired and sad

On this route I’m heading, it will be no different than the past. I desperately try every single day to not feel like killing myself. How? When my eyes become watery, when one tear leads to a another and that feeling when yr brain tenses up when u cry. HOW can I ignore that. I just keep thinking that there is something wrong with me, if not why do I keep crying.

My counsellor told me to not let these thoughts control me, to pause and do breathing exercises whenever these flood of negative emotions and thoughts spring up but the reason why they spring up, why I cry is because I’m distressed. It’s because there is certainly something going wrong, I need to relieve the stress I’m receiving.

Honestly I’m not in the right mind now to do anything but it’s so overwhelming. My anxiety triggers my depression and it feels like I’m suffocating, it feels like I’m drowning and I’m trying desperately to breathe. Usually when u get stranded in an island the first survival tip is to find a source of water, then food or shelter but oxygen, one of the three things we rely most on to stay alive, is what I’m lacking.

When I cry my breathing is unsteady, when I’m around people, I get nervous and my breathing gets unsteady too. So most of the day, I receive less than the average amount of oxygen into my system. OK like our brains not receiving sufficient oxygen will most definitely malfunction in a way but WTF I know that there is a logical explanation to mental illness. I know that sometimes I do want answers and logical, scientific answers that can prove the existence of my illness but nobody likes it when their feelings and emotions are disregarded. It’s called depression because I’m depressed, it’s called anxiety because I’m anxious, seems that trying to prove a point is more important to u than saving someone’s life.

A lot of the times when I talk to my friends about my problens, I am at a very emotionally unstable state but something the counsellor told was your friends are there to comfort and support you.

This just keeps happening and I do not want to burden my friends. They always say it’s not burden and maybe they honestly do meant it but I feel unsatisfied. When all people give me are either empty comforting words, typical logical solutions or I don’t knows. I know that they are inexperienced, I know that they don’t know everything BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO.

I know that there are people with physical disability and they mentally experience almost the same feelings as us but for some of us, we were once normal, we once lead a normal life, did normal things and had normal experiences. That just makes the pain more excruiting. I AM FUCKING AWARE that there are physical healthy and normal people who got injured badly and became permanently disabled afterwards but for people who have depression, anxiety or psychosis it’s worser. I’m lacking the ability to be calm in school, my peace is stripped away from me, it’s like having to raise obnoxious kids who will never stop making messes in the house and there is no way to control them because it turns out their robots. I look and seem fine on the outside but it’s a different story for my mental state. However, I shouldn’t be comparing because we both feel the same way in some aspects for e.g. Feeling frustrated when people pity us and asked if they could do anything to help, cause they don’t really mean it. Plus even if they do, if the doctors couldn’t help me then how could you, maybe they meant minor things such as buying you food but that’s honestly somewhat shameful. It is challenging to walk for someone who has a permanently damaged ankle but they know they have to live with it.

It’s me, I’m the one at fault.

Fuck it

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