Been suffering for so long.
Denying myself so much.
Thinking that because what I’m feeling and experiencing is better than before hence this is the best I could attain.
What do you do when you can’t find the answer from the people you trust most?
What do you do when the answer you find in yourself just wasn’t enough?
I know I’ve been torturing myself for so long, that when it happened I would deduce it as a natural reaction.
I am aware that I am a naturally dramatic person but that is because what I felt and experienced ISN’T FUCKING MEASURABLE OR CAN BE ASSUMED BASED ON THE DEXTERITY OF THE SITUATION.
For a Sagittarius, losing freedom is the start of their path to insanity.
When no one listens to me it is almost as if I lost my freedom of speech.
Honestly, the only person you can rely upon and trust is yourself, but the problem comes from me.
The mood swings I’ve been having, frequent conversations with myself, craving power, shunning myself from expressing anything and everything.
Running away. I’m such a coward.
Something a Sagittarius is great at is appreciating change, letting go of the past.
I, on the other hand, kept looking back to my past self.
The girl who embraced her uniqueness because she knew she possessed something that others lacked.
The girl who fought for righteousness and justice no matter the consequences.
The girl who exercised free speech at every opportunity because no one was bold enough to say it.
The girl whose faith in herself, made her achieve incredible things.
The girl filled with optimism and enthusiasm gave hope to those who needed it.
No one would believe me but that’s because they didn’t know her like I did.
Every criticism I heard about me, I accept it willingly, foolishly.
Knowing that even if it stems from a biased opinion or a feeling of resentment, it must be true because I too felt that way.
I’m so needy, so weak. OMFG I AM SO DETESTABLE.
I just don’t know what to do because it just never seems enough.
I am not okay.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore because I haven’t been sincere about anything I said for a very long time.
NO OK, IT IS NOT FUCKING EASY TO SPEAK WHATEVER IS ON MY MIND
AND NO, IT IS NOT GODDAMN EASY TO ACT HOWEVER I WISH
IT IS SIMPLE
Once there was someone who told me that because I was not able to read the future thus I should not stop seeking help from others, but THAT IS BECAUSE THEY REACT THE SAME SHITTY WAY. Then someone else would tell me to seek a different person. OH SWEET LORD BABY JESUS, I know that there is a fuck ton of people out there but I am close to only so little.
The thing is I don’t want someone who thinks black and white and finds that there must be a logical explanation for everything.
Neither do I want someone who justs tells me that everything is going to be okay and I have nothing to worry about.
I know that most of the time I would never heed my friends’ advice because it just didn’t make sense to me or I’ve tried it and it didn’t produce any result.
I’m just going to feel relieved that I’ve shed some tears and typed somewhat freely, tell my mom really just about anything so she would not worry and then proceed to forget about this the next day.
Update: that was my emotions talking.
OK I think it’s because tmr I need to meet up with my fellow cca members that’s why I’m like freaking out on the inside. The thing is my friend who have always stuck by my side in my cca might not come tmr so………maybe that’s why I’m freaking out a little.
Plus there’s this member who doesn’t like me because I CAN’T MUSTER THE CONFIDENCE TO SING OUT LOUD AND I JUST KEEP STICKING TO THAT FRIEND. I CAN’T HELP IT, I know it’s my fault BUT LIKE IF I KEEP MAKING MISTAKES then I might as well not sing, I might as well quit. For Christ’s sake can I stop being so pessimistic BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I CAN’T. My lips tremble and my eye sometimes twitch when I’m performing, not to mention when I raise my voice I GO OFF KEY. I can’t just miraculously loosen up due to some encouraging words.