Frustrated mind

Went to Haw Par Villa with Marcus, bunny guardian and diam this morning. First thing to take note of, the sun was blazing hot, the time I stepped out was 10:18am. On the mrt I did notice that diam was being rude to me and treated me with that shitty attitude again. This only happened a few days back when we were planning the clique t-shirt with satan’s spawn. He was clearly being biased towards her, his attitude, mannerisms, actions, tone. I swear nowadays I don’t even feel like a woman anymore, not that I need a guy to make me feel confident and special but with all the backlash I’ve been receiving how can I not stop myself from crying. I just care too much about how people, especially my friends treat me. I’m just too needy and clingy sometimes, I wish I was stronger. Diam is such a dick why is he hot one moment with me and cold the other. For example, he fed me chips but maybe that was influenced by bunny guardian and gave me tissues when I was sweating profusely, that’s sweet of him but then when we ate at subway afterwards, he didn’t even clear his FUCKING TRAY and expects me to clear it?! Afterwards when I reached home he asks me if I want a cookie because I was nearby. DUDE WHY DO U KEEP USING ME, he only looks for me, speaks nicely to me when he’s in a good mood and when she’s not around. SO what if u made friends that are girls in poly that does not mean you FUCK around with someone’s feelings. Ok, I should be civilised and talk about my feelings towards him and hear his side of the story. However, I’m just tired of his bullshit, my other friends also feel the same way about him, not all though. Don’t want to separate the clique because of this but I am going to stop hanging out with him or anyone of them because I just need to feel ok. I just want to be ok. There are also other things he did that are better at justifying my point but I don’t want to note them down. Once you taste the escape of reality it’s hard not to resist the temptation to do it again. Explored a part of botanic gardens with Marcus and Bunny Guardian, it was okay I guess as we didn’t really go in any further to the more interesting parts of botanic gardens. Went to tug a branch like Marcus tried to do while jumping but saw a spider and clashed with Bunny Guardian. I was really clumsy today because, on the mrt, my head banged on the emergency communication system on the mrt, it was loud, I think some of my brain cells died. Marcus was nicer to me, didn’t flame me that much I guess………. Bunny Guardian’s actions have confused me this year, he keeps sending me major mixed signals and I know that they’ll come with consequences for the months to come. To be honest, actually felt used by him but then decided to go with the flow as I don’t want to be the only one with a troubled mind. Like he said I also don’t want to lose that friendship but what if one day one of us expects something out of one another, what if one of us started developing feelings for one another because of these signals and then blames the other for not stopping it. Sure we’re young, things don’t need to be confirmed, we don’t need to find an answer now but my intuition is telling me we’re heading to a dangerous path and should head back before we get trapped in. Haish maybe I’m just too bored that my brain goes and thinks about all these useless shit, all the tiny details in someone’s speech and actions. I really need to either get a break from life or just a distraction.


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