Today’s thoughts

I hate how my psychosis and anxiety hinders me from going to social events. Yes I have improved and can step outside of the house but the fear people of judging me just paralyzes me.I know ppl have their right to judge, I know its inevitable but humans can be so scary. They can make me feel so vulnerable and weak, makes me feel less important then an insect. Yes it is a matter of my self confidence but I just can’t DEAL WITH IT, I JUST CAN’T. IM NOT STRONG ENOUGH, NOT SMART ENOUGH, NOT TALKATIVE ENOUGH. Im not enough for anyone. My friend didn’t force me to go to a church event(social event) but I feel like I let him down. The church gave me one of my most cherished memories which is making me feel like I belonged but it also gave me tons of unpleasant memories,  people abandoning me, people judging me, people asking me to open up to strangers. There’s nth wrong with that just that there is no way I can reject them because they overly encourage me to do it. However, isnt it the buzz I crave,  wanting to do all the crazy stuff before I have to grow up and be serious. UGH THIS FRUSTRATES ME WHY CAN’T I RECOVER ALR I KNOW I HAVE MY FRIENDS AROUND BUT U KNOW U TEND TO HIDE THINGS FROM YR FRIENDS IN ORDER NOT TO WORRY THEM. I really wanted to go. Maybe that’s the truth or maybe I just want to spend times with my friends.ABJDHJWJJ JSKJWKWKWKKWKWK IM NOT SURE ANYMORE, THIS SUCKS. 

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