2017 Cny thoughts

So it’s the second day of Chinese New Year and I’m just wallowing in self-pity in one corner. The adults should really be more considerate towards us like what do you want us to do while you chat away with each other. There’s the fact that we have to respect the elders and pay attention to the conversation, there’s also the fact that we tweens and teenagers might not be as close as U guys are so YAH……….. OMGAWD ALLpityyouyouALL OF A SUDDEN I CAN FEEL PANIC STRICK EVERY INCH OF MY VEINS due to my delusion that everyone is talking and looking at me. Maybe they are  πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅πŸ˜΅ Do U know that sensation when U feel scared till ur whole body gets the chills but it’s hot with passion yet chilling down your spine. THATS WHAT I’M RECEIVEING . I feel my soul fade away . My mom ask me to go eat together with my cousins currently screaming on the inside!!!!!  OMGAWD THEY ALL USE THEIR CHOPSTICKS THE SAME WAY while I use the shortcut way I’m so embarrassed.  WTF MY HANDS ARE TOTALLY TREMBLING. Dafuq how come they can be so open with each other but not with my younger sister and I,  is there something wrong with me, is it cause they know of my illness,  it is cause of my terrible score,  is it cause they are Junior College eligible while I’m only poly.  I hope to leave soon I feel like crying. SWEAT CAN BE FELT FORMING ON MY FACE,  hope my makeup isn’t evident . DAMN I FORGOT TO POWDER TODAY and this faceshop cc cooling cushion is supposed to be moisturizing no wonder my face is so freaking oily hope no one notices. I heard them wanting to talk to us please God no I’m scared what do I even say. Ok I manage to act fine and everything went by pretty smoothly other than the fact I felt dizzy and almost wanted to faint. Haish today was ok I guess far better than yesterday when I was between the line of being conscious and unconscious (I was sleepy) and founf 2 FREAKING DOLLARS in my ang pao(red packet) πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€. I know who I received it from tho as I noted everyone’s name just in case we received one again this year but the number of $10 received increased this year. UGH my period is on heavy flow right now hope that tomorrow I won’t need to go somewhere that will make me feel tuncomfortableto change. Just bled on the bed great πŸ˜‘πŸ˜’ Really wanna go shop for clothes but it’s cny would any store be open and even if there is it would only be just a few right? Haizzzzzzz my mom said that how I develop this illness is cause I keep thinking about stuff that just doesn’t exist, how I don’t defend myself and put my personal standards too high but that’s how I’ve always been. Since when have my self-esteem drop so much where did my confidence go? I guess I’m just scared that I will leak out my secret but isn’t everyone. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING I keep battling with myself 

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