Moving on

I’m moving on.
I’m not going to regret, in fact, I will shout with joy for the decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve left behind.
For once, I’m going to accept my whole being in its entirety.

I know it’s going to take some more time, patience, energy and focus but if it means I can be free, I am willing to go to any lengths to achieve it.

The reaper has taught me many lessons and it would be foolish for me to disregard even one of them.

Although, there will be some bumps and cracks along the way and I haven’t fully resolved anything but you are getting there, so don’t doubt yourself.

Reflecting I guess

Its the third week of school and it’s yet another rollercoaster ride. I didn’t want to blog cause I know I should be sleeping but there’s too much on my mind, too many repressed emotions, everyone’s asleep right now so don’t really have someone to talk to. I suddenly thought about how Ryan will tell me to use other means to deal with these things but then maybe that’s why he’s lost his connection to people and maybe even the things of this world. I’m thinking about how even though he does open up to people but he’s not 100% earnest, in my opinion, he always say idk and its okay, although the topic and the conversation is going on but it feels like I’m reaching out to the moon reflected on the lake. I thought about Derrick saying ‘we can’t always be there for you all the time’, the feelings of mild resentment and bitterness began to surface, I understand what he is saying but a part of me feels so strongly of how ignorant those words sound, a part of me felt so wronged, framed (?), misrepresented, I haven’t found the word yet. What urged me to write this blog post was actually longing, grudge and resentment, I’m not sure why I can’t move on from the past, maybe its something I have to deal with (that’s what they all say but what if it doesn’t) I always undermine myself and shut myself our because I just have all these ideas and grand plans but everyone is too boring or close-minded to appreciate them. I know that I do lack a lot of practicality when it comes to my thinking but that doesn’t mean you guys have to group up and …….. I guess that’s why there is that quote/ statement about how one doesn’t wait to gain praise for their achievements but goes ahead with their plans. It’s illogical thinking but why does it have to be me against the world that kind of situation, maybe this thinking has to be changed but isn’t it the truth? I wanted to write about this site called sacred texts and it talks about Astrology as well, I was researching about study tips for my signs, most of the tips I’ve tried before just not all together anyways the site mentions things that would help me to be successful. Although I’ve read the other signs as well and there are similar themes, but the unique points they said about me resonates with me and its also something mentioned in other sites as well, the theme is to not doubt yourself and honestly, yes it is commonsensical but we still let it happen to us and so many people are affected by it not realizing the impact it has. The physical features of each sign are what made me trust the site more because I’ve observed those features from my fellow friends and family as well. I wanted to place the text here and reflect on it but its late and sleep is important for both the body and the mind.

Colour Oracle and Release

As I was clearing up my tabs for the start of school, which is TOMORROW, I had a tab for this website called Astrodienst, http://www.astro.com, and I left it on the page for my natal chart reading, but after filling in my details I saw an icon for a colour oracle reading.

So, recently I’ve been researching a lot about my colour analysis; which season you belong to and the colours that look good on you hence I got intrigued because I thought it was going to tell me my colour of the day, instead it was going to tell me what I’m dealing with right now.

Link to Color Oracle

(I think that you’re supposed to fill in your birth date, timing and country to access the Colour Oracle reading.)
I think it’s best if you answer with an intention in mind but don’t take too long to consider the colours, just go with your gut feeling.

This was my reading:

Your General Disposition
At the present time, your behaviour is characterized by your need for loving attention. You are very much interested in being welcomed warmly and understood by others and in obtaining approval for your views and support for your plans. For this reason, you consciously nurture friendly contacts, and you act to ensure harmony in your relationships.
Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing

Of great importance to you now is…

…making pleasurable contacts.

You would like to leave everything unpleasant and burdensome behind and to relax spending time with nice, open-minded people with whom you can have a good conversation or undertake some activity that raises your spirits and takes your mind off things. Now and again, you need the stimulation of variety and the opportunity to break out of your daily routine.

You now feel that hanging your head would not be as good for you as…
 …deliberate self-determination.

You know for yourself what you need to do and not do, and you want to create a life in accordance with your own ideas. You are trying to establish an independent sphere of your own. You would like to see things as they are, and you prefer to make decisions on the basis of facts and objective information. Your primary focus of interest is on everything that is practical and expedient or that serves to increase your autonomy (freedom from external control or influence; independence).

In your own interest, you strive for…
 …loving attention.

You attempt to use your kindness to gain the affection of other people, and thanks to your charming ways, you usually succeed. You are happy when you can be with someone who shows you warm-heartedness, sympathy and understanding and with whom you can share the enjoyable things of life: delicious food, beautiful music, a comfortable home and, last but not least, the pleasurable exchange of physical affection.

You hope your life will become more agreeable through…
…alert self-protection.

You carefully scrutinize everything that crosses your path, and you don’t say yes to it until it has passed your acid test. You decidedly and resolutely fend off everything that could hinder your personal development, and you keep your distance from unpleasant people who try to manipulate, define or influence you.

The thing you have consciously planned is…
…vigorous self-assertion.

You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigour. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection.

You utilize a major portion of your powers for…
…relaxing favourite pastime.

When the difficulties of daily life or human interaction become too much, you prefer to retreat to your favourite pastime, a quiet hobby or into the world of your thoughts, dreams and fantasies. If you try to achieve the necessary balance to daily routine through a regular practice of meditation, you will find what you have actually been looking for: inner detachedness and peace. It would also be ideal if you could occasionally spend time in the great outdoors.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your…

…oppressive sense of apprehension.

You are concerned about a situation the outcome of which is uncertain. You contemplate various options of what you could do, so that everything turns out the way you think it ought to. In doing so, you cling too rigidly to your own views, and you have too little faith that it might also be good for you if, for once, events evolved differently from what you had imagined. By the way, no problem has ever been solved by worrying.

You worriedly ask yourself how things will progress with regard to your…
…fainthearted fear of failure.

At the present time, you are seriously challenged by stressful conditions. It may be job-related or interpersonal difficulties or emotional problems which threaten to rob you of strength. You force yourself to face the challenge nonetheless. Behind your unswerving attitude, hides the immobilizing fear that you might not make it, and as a result, could be exposed as incompetent or even as a failure, and would lose the respect of others.

Since you find it embarrassing you don’t let on anything about your…
…dangerous tendency towards depression.

Sad events or a hard stroke of fate have triggered dispiriting feelings in you such as depressiveness, pessimism, fear or insecurity. You turn to pleasurable things to try to distract yourself from this experience and to forget it. However, the repressed emotions could make themselves known in the form of unwelcome physical complaints.

You could also end up in a depressive mood due to your…
frightening lack of power.

You constantly see yourself confronted with a mountain of difficulties and problems. At the same time, you don’t want to let yourself be dragged down by feelings of despair and resignation. For this reason, you concentrate on achieving what is most important to you right now. The resources you employ in doing so range from winning affability to skilful manipulation all the way to authoritarian pressure because you want to get everything under control. Your fear of being powerless arouses exactly the opposite in you: a thirst for power.

You also feel powerless in the face of your…
…burdensome situation of suffering.

You believe people should behave correctly, considerately and kindly towards you so that your interactions run pleasantly and without friction. Since this is frequently not the case, you often become indignant over their incorrect behaviour and views or their lack of kindness. You easily get the feeling of being someone’s innocent victim and believe you have every right to be outraged.

You also suffer quite a bit due to your…
…gruelling test of nerves.

Your sense of well-being is negatively affected by stressful circumstances. You often feel misunderstood, unfairly treated or left at the mercy of the unacceptable behaviour of a person who is important to you. You don’t want to let on that you are aggravated by this, and you keep your irritation to yourself. Inside you, though, the accumulated resentment strains your nerves. For this reason, you are not very emotionally resilient at this time.

This is scarily accurate because 2017 has been hard on me due to dealing with a lot of mental and physical health problems, because of stress.
I’ve been stressing and overexerting myself because I sought self-worth in my achievements, this year I felt that people didn’t put me as a priority, respect me so I only became more independent and pushed myself to become something worthy of others respect. However, this only made me more upset and my thirst for power grew, I realised that by the end of 2017 that I didn’t listen because I didn’t feel that I received the same treatment and have been losing interest in hanging out with people.
I felt like crying when I read about the ‘interpretation of the colours I find unpleasant’ because finally someone or something could put my pain into words and even seem to show some sympathy.
I wish that the people I care about would read this and understood why I acted the way I did, I wish that for the people I keep by my side would read this and show sympathy and  I wish that I could just breathe because life feels so suffocating now and pushing myself to be so strong so fast has been really hard on me, but wishes almost never comes true and I just have to live with the fact that this is how things are, that the only I can do is to protect myself and cut out anything that does not help me.
I can feel my chest hurting because this just brings back all the repressed feelings back into surface and I just wish I could shout out everything; how wronged I felt, how lonely I felt going through all these suffering by myself knowing that no one would help me to the fullest extent because it would be too selfish, too needy, how angry I was that things almost never go my way and all the sacrifices I made for everyone just to show how much they’ve been mistreating me.

To not end this blog post negatively I would like to tell myself that,

I have faith in me.

The truth

I don’t even f*cking know what to write or where to start. I’ve been wanting to blog for a very long time and was awaiting my 2 weeks, after Mid Semester Assesment holiday to start blogging on a site I created using Wix.

Had a lot of fun creating it, applied the things I’ve learned in Tools for Interaction Design, a module in my course that teaches about the basics of designing a website and the interactions with it.

Here’s my site: https://einsteiney.wixsite.com/einstein-d0c

It looks so pathetic with that one blog post just over there, I mean what was I thinking??? starting a new blog. I had a previous blog beforehand called Ophiuchus Dimension. I forgot why I chose an Elsa picture as my header but I remembered it was because I had a cold heart so “ice queen” seems appropriate. Having a cold heart is another point to touch on because I think I’m a sensitive person.

My previous blog lacked a lot in a lot of areas HAHAHHA. It was at a point in time when my mental illness had a lot of control over me and my thoughts were irrational. I was honestly trying too hard, being perfect and worrying about what the people online might think. There weren’t many who read my blog and there I was being paranoid about some readers recognising me, really huiqing.

I don’t know what to do now that I have this three blogs, because if I only update my new blog then I would be making the same mistake as the past; not embracing my flaws and appreciating growth. Yes, I can use the new blog as my main and update this blog from time to time but then I have to think what would this blog be for, in addition, I’m not someone who is consistent hence I think I should just focus on one blog site. Although I really like and honestly am proud of my site but the blogging function here is better.

A Sh*t tons of things went on for Semester 2. Some of the things are due to the problems I didn’t resolve in semester 1. One major thing that happened was that I quit my secondary school friends group chat, without giving an explanation. I was in a very negative state of mind at that time, but I don’t regret it. I am aware and understand that everyone is busy and have their own lives to deal with, but as someone who is still going through depression and anxiety, I need support in which they are not able to provide. I don’t think I’m asking a lot, just talk to me and check up on how I’m doing from time to time, meet up with me occasionally, I don’t think that’s a lot to sacrifice for. (Note that I’m not saying all my friends do this, even so they don’t do it all the time) I’ve felt this ever since secondary 4 but it only worsened due to the transition into out tertiary education path. It was my environment that worsened my condition. For a very long time I blamed the gossiping and name calling in sec 4 for the cause of my mental illnesses but no, it has never been that way, mental illnesses don’t just spring up out of a sudden. I felt that they had forgotten about the existence of my mental illness. Marcus said before that it’s because he had no knowledge and had no experience dealing with people undergoing mental illness which I understand and see in his actions. However, there are times when I received insensitive comments from people and people not being honest with me. This statement is made with consideration of recent and past cases. There is the factor of considering how sensitive I am and what were the words they said, plus the context of the situation.

 

Okay so from my point of view the situation went down like this.

After my diagnosis they paid more attention, showed that they care by asking how I felt and how my experience was at the end of the day. They would come to meet me, and I felt that there was his shield around me which made me feel safe, gave me security hence improving my anxiety. However, this only lasted for one week.

Soon they have gone back to the way they act on a normal day, occasionally asking me if I’m okay. I have told them before what triggers my anxiety and the things I have avoided are blatantly displayed. I’m not talking about them trying to help me by making me step out of my comfort zone, although I do have to mention that they could have done it in a gentler way and gave some sort of Plan B instead of verbal assurance, I’m talking about things such as being left alone.

Frequently the guys will say, we are here what is there to worry about.

Firstly, as someone diagnosed with anxiety overthinking is one of the symptoms and they take at least one year to cure or manage.

Secondly, you guys were there for me before I was diagnosed, and I still wanted to attempt suicide. I had told a lot of people about the things I went through and the pain I felt, in addition, tried a lot of things and followed advices to resolve the problems I faced, before resulting to more harmful means of dealing with the pain, but it still lead to me attempting suicide.

For anyone reading this and my past blog posts as well you might have notice that I kept expanding on a point and being defensive. That’s because I’ve felt wronged. This will be explained later on.

What happened due to the above scenario is that I had to learn to fend and grow stronger faster. Which is why I stopped medication for less than a year, this kind of recovery is considered miraculous for someone who has such intense anxiety that it leads to developing psychosis. You could say they were being ignorant but honey let me tell you with amount of times they told me “I understand what you are going through blah blah blah”, no u have no fucking idea what I’m going through because if you did you wouldn’t have said this and done that so don’t be that  arrogant fucker and think you can come and control my life like that. There was a certain few that made me feel comfortable but like I said they didn’t put me as their priority in life and just can’t make the effort to help me out, since my problems aren’t small thus the help I require aren’t that small either. Even though all I ask is what a friend is somewhat expected to do like letting me rant. Maybe that’s why I also felt that they weren’t my friends. The pressuring environment, which was also contributed by my family made it very suffocating and believe me when I said I have told them but they either turn a blind eye to it or is just not consistent with the way they act. That’s why I shut myself out, in fact some people notice that, the people I’m referring to are classmates, those not close to me. They notice that I’m awfully quiet, almost everyone including me thought that this behaviour was just part of me, but it wasn’t.

I felt wronged because multiple people who I trust, including my family, made me feel that I was not trying enough to be better, even if I didn’t they just gave remarks, never made any actions and was gentle with their approach plus gave me some sort of security. For example asking me to go out and be used to having people nearby but not accompanying me to go and not visiting an area that has a few passers-by. I remember someone once telling me that I can’t depend on them all the time and I have to face things on my own sometimes, but they were not being objective because they did not factor the things I’ve done without their help and how recently I was just diagnosed.

The feeling of being wronged just made me felt more alone, I was always striving to be perfect, never spoke much of my concerns, constantly saying that I was okay with almost anything in the past. This continued to later in my life.

During the first two weeks of poly I did not make friends because of the above stated things I had become more soft-spoken in public and had trust issues opening up. I told my friends, but they did nothing much (I know that in this situation it’s not like they can transfer to my school and be my friend in class. I’m not focusing on physical support) they said you will get friends soon enough, or I’ve never had any friends for one year and I’m still fine. Are you fucking kidding me, if I even need to explain myself for not being accepting of these comments then there is something wrong with you. I’m still going to explain myself anyways because there are some brainless people who need to reconsider life choices out there.

Firstly, not everyone is like you, even if we are of the same species. If you disagree, then explain why even though you might suffer from mental illness, it has not lead to a psychotic disorder. Don’t fucking stoop to the level of saying that I’m weak, having more sensitivity to emotions is not weak. If you got a better point, then tell me and let’s discuss it.

Secondly, two weeks is a lot and under the context that everyone in my class has already belong in a clique is just bizarre for even you to mention that two weeks is too little. Also, I have told you before about the everyone belonging to a clique thing.

Due to that I started distancing and depended more on myself. I became more positive and soon showed a personality that was similar to secondary 1. However, speaking out about the things that frustrates me still was a problem. In semester 2, I was more stressed because we had more classes that were mixed with students from other courses and other schools. Furthermore, there was more general modules which gave not only me but my friends more stress too. Hence, I was more sensitive to things and got more triggered easily.

I asked where to get films in Singapore in the group, after not talking in the group for so long. I did that because my friend in CCA told me that it takes two hands to clap, I need to make the effort of showing commitment and wanting to get close to them too by updating the attendance and replying noted to the important messages. At first, I got some suggestions but zhe wei had the audacity to say why not you google it yourself. I then replied, “if you have nothing good to say can you just fucking shut up.” Due to some things that happened between us our relationship worsened, and we distanced but Jia Ying told me he still talks to Yu tong which received a wtf reaction from me. Zhe wei is a very salty guy, holds grudges and acts very biased. I have tried to talk in the group this year in an approach to show that I’m making effort as well to remain friends with them, but he almost never replies. There was this time Derrick said he was going to work for the ice cream event job and I replied I’m coming or something like that, then the group chatted until in the evening he asked if anyone wanted to come, then Zhe wei said smth like he needs to see but is probably going. OKAY THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SAYS “Oh shit.” “I’ve got this” “and this” “that’s why I can’t come” Zhe wei is not the type of person to say oh shit also he does not break his points and follow up like this. I may have just been overthinking, but I’ve had enough, I’m not going to wait for anyone to see how much I’ve been wronged and stand up for me because they almost never did. So, I spoke out. For your information, whenever anyone of them requires information to find something he would give suggestions and never told them to look it up on the phone. Even if it was Derrick, he would tease him a little but still gave some information at the end of the day. Furthermore, films are not easy to find in our modern society today, I’m not asking you to help me find a motherfucking pencil. Also, he was the one who told me before that he had cycle around Yishun a lot and if I had any enquiries of the place I could ask him, cause he most likely would know. In addition, I would want to know where the nearest place is to find some and as someone who has travelled to almost every corner in Yishun, it’s not unreasonable to expect him or even Derrick and the others to have a slight idea as to where I might be able to find it. As a friend, shouldn’t you want to help and show that you care. I’m not dealing with anymore of this bullshit anymore. I’m not dealing with people who don’t want to invest time in helping me, I’m not dealing with people who doesn’t want to meet me just to have a personal talk and update each other on the things that have been happening with our lives.

I would also just like to say that it was very unfair because compared to the times zhe wei has complained and ranted about the emotional stuff he has dealt with, our last chat on how I’m not willing to listen and close minded I was that ended our conversation was nothing close to that. The times I had to console him and kept giving advise but it persisted for almost all the times we spoke, even when we met up he spoke about it too. The amount of energy I gave to listen and to be there for him when he was troubled formed into physical health issues. I couldn’t think straight, had extreme dizziness and when I walked I felt like fainting. It was partially my fault as I did not confront him about how I felt that he wasn’t listening to me and letting me talk, but on the times, we’ve talked sometimes he made me felt that the problem he faced was worse. Which might be true in some cases.

Due to that, I told Marcus what happened because I thought he was a logical person but he’s more analytical and biasedness is present in him. He shared it to Zhe wei, which I totally felt betrayed and I understand when he said we are friends and as friends we should talk it out, that’s why he told zhe wei. I felt so wronged because this is so unfair, I told Marcus before an information and he said I assumed you told me a secret but because I am someone you can trust so it’s okay, just learn not to have a loose mouth next time. I said that the person didn’t say to keep it as a secret but he said somethings are secrets without needing the person sharing it, to state that anyways. Which I listened and understood but the secret came from a friend of ours and it was also in a situation that we had to talk it out.

I am not someone who holds grudges or nit-picks on things, my younger sister is my witness because I often forget the mistakes she has made (believe me she does) and I only nit-pick when she burns me and I’m trying to save my pride and ego.

It’s 3am, I have a lot of points to talk about, but I don’t think I’m going to further elaborate on this with my next blog post, maybe more on striving perfection and thinking that one would like the real me. In my opinion, this blog post is smooth in transition from point to point because I’m not holding back my thoughts and am using real names. Wow huiqing good job on not fucking up your body clock, especially when you are currently receiving stress and fatigue related health problems.

Tired and sad

On this route I’m heading, it will be no different than the past. I desperately try every single day to not feel like killing myself. How? When my eyes become watery, when one tear leads to a another and that feeling when yr brain tenses up when u cry. HOW can I ignore that. I just keep thinking that there is something wrong with me, if not why do I keep crying.

My counsellor told me to not let these thoughts control me, to pause and do breathing exercises whenever these flood of negative emotions and thoughts spring up but the reason why they spring up, why I cry is because I’m distressed. It’s because there is certainly something going wrong, I need to relieve the stress I’m receiving.

Honestly I’m not in the right mind now to do anything but it’s so overwhelming. My anxiety triggers my depression and it feels like I’m suffocating, it feels like I’m drowning and I’m trying desperately to breathe. Usually when u get stranded in an island the first survival tip is to find a source of water, then food or shelter but oxygen, one of the three things we rely most on to stay alive, is what I’m lacking.

When I cry my breathing is unsteady, when I’m around people, I get nervous and my breathing gets unsteady too. So most of the day, I receive less than the average amount of oxygen into my system. OK like our brains not receiving sufficient oxygen will most definitely malfunction in a way but WTF I know that there is a logical explanation to mental illness. I know that sometimes I do want answers and logical, scientific answers that can prove the existence of my illness but nobody likes it when their feelings and emotions are disregarded. It’s called depression because I’m depressed, it’s called anxiety because I’m anxious, seems that trying to prove a point is more important to u than saving someone’s life.

A lot of the times when I talk to my friends about my problens, I am at a very emotionally unstable state but something the counsellor told was your friends are there to comfort and support you.

This just keeps happening and I do not want to burden my friends. They always say it’s not burden and maybe they honestly do meant it but I feel unsatisfied. When all people give me are either empty comforting words, typical logical solutions or I don’t knows. I know that they are inexperienced, I know that they don’t know everything BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO.

I know that there are people with physical disability and they mentally experience almost the same feelings as us but for some of us, we were once normal, we once lead a normal life, did normal things and had normal experiences. That just makes the pain more excruiting. I AM FUCKING AWARE that there are physical healthy and normal people who got injured badly and became permanently disabled afterwards but for people who have depression, anxiety or psychosis it’s worser. I’m lacking the ability to be calm in school, my peace is stripped away from me, it’s like having to raise obnoxious kids who will never stop making messes in the house and there is no way to control them because it turns out their robots. I look and seem fine on the outside but it’s a different story for my mental state. However, I shouldn’t be comparing because we both feel the same way in some aspects for e.g. Feeling frustrated when people pity us and asked if they could do anything to help, cause they don’t really mean it. Plus even if they do, if the doctors couldn’t help me then how could you, maybe they meant minor things such as buying you food but that’s honestly somewhat shameful. It is challenging to walk for someone who has a permanently damaged ankle but they know they have to live with it.

It’s me, I’m the one at fault.

Fuck it

It’s wtv

Been suffering for so long.

Denying myself so much.

Thinking that because what I’m feeling and experiencing is better than before hence this is the best I could attain.

What do you do when you can’t find the answer from the people you trust most?

What do you do when the answer you find in yourself just wasn’t enough?

I know I’ve been torturing myself for so long, that when it happened I would deduce it as a natural reaction.

I am aware that I am a naturally dramatic person but that is because what I felt and experienced ISN’T FUCKING MEASURABLE OR CAN BE ASSUMED BASED ON THE DEXTERITY OF THE SITUATION.

For a Sagittarius, losing freedom is the start of their path to insanity.

When no one listens to me it is almost as if I lost my freedom of speech.

Honestly, the only person you can rely upon and trust is yourself, but the problem comes from me.

The mood swings I’ve been having, frequent conversations with myself, craving power, shunning myself from expressing anything and everything.

Running away. I’m such a coward.

Something a Sagittarius is great at is appreciating change, letting go of the past.

I, on the other hand, kept looking back to my past self.

The girl who embraced her uniqueness because she knew she possessed something that others lacked.

The girl who fought for righteousness and justice no matter the consequences.

The girl who exercised free speech at every opportunity because no one was bold enough to say it.

The girl whose faith in herself, made her achieve incredible things.

The girl filled with optimism and enthusiasm gave hope to those who needed it.

No one would believe me but that’s because they didn’t know her like I did.

Every criticism I heard about me, I accept it willingly, foolishly.

Knowing that even if it stems from a biased opinion or a feeling of resentment, it must be true because I too felt that way.

I’m so needy, so weak. OMFG I AM SO DETESTABLE.

I just don’t know what to do because it just never seems enough.

I am not okay.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore because I haven’t been sincere about anything I said for a very long time.

NO OK, IT IS NOT FUCKING EASY TO SPEAK WHATEVER IS ON MY MIND

AND NO, IT IS NOT GODDAMN EASY TO ACT HOWEVER I WISH

IT IS SIMPLE

Once there was someone who told me that because I was not able to read the future thus I should not stop seeking help from others, but THAT IS BECAUSE THEY REACT THE SAME SHITTY WAY. Then someone else would tell me to seek a different person. OH SWEET LORD BABY JESUS, I know that there is a fuck ton of people out there but I am close to only so little.

The thing is I don’t want someone who thinks black and white and finds that there must be a logical explanation for everything.

Neither do I want someone who justs tells me that everything is going to be okay and I have nothing to worry about.

I know that most of the time I would never heed my friends’ advice because it just didn’t make sense to me or I’ve tried it and it didn’t produce any result.

I’m just going to feel relieved that I’ve shed some tears and typed somewhat freely, tell my mom really just about anything so she would not worry and then proceed to forget about this the next day.

Update: that was my emotions talking.

OK I think it’s because tmr I need to meet up with my fellow cca members that’s why I’m like freaking out on the inside. The thing is my friend who have always stuck by my side in my cca might not come tmr so………maybe that’s why I’m freaking out a little.

Plus there’s this member who doesn’t like me because I CAN’T MUSTER THE CONFIDENCE TO SING OUT LOUD AND I JUST KEEP STICKING TO THAT FRIEND. I CAN’T HELP IT, I know it’s my fault BUT LIKE IF I KEEP MAKING MISTAKES then I might as well not sing, I might as well quit. For Christ’s sake can I stop being so pessimistic BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I CAN’T. My lips tremble and my eye sometimes twitch when I’m performing, not to mention when I raise my voice I GO OFF KEY. I can’t just miraculously loosen up due to some encouraging words.

Frustrated mind

Went to Haw Par Villa with Marcus, bunny guardian and diam this morning. First thing to take note of, the sun was blazing hot, the time I stepped out was 10:18am. On the mrt I did notice that diam was being rude to me and treated me with that shitty attitude again. This only happened a few days back when we were planning the clique t-shirt with satan’s spawn. He was clearly being biased towards her, his attitude, mannerisms, actions, tone. I swear nowadays I don’t even feel like a woman anymore, not that I need a guy to make me feel confident and special but with all the backlash I’ve been receiving how can I not stop myself from crying. I just care too much about how people, especially my friends treat me. I’m just too needy and clingy sometimes, I wish I was stronger. Diam is such a dick why is he hot one moment with me and cold the other. For example, he fed me chips but maybe that was influenced by bunny guardian and gave me tissues when I was sweating profusely, that’s sweet of him but then when we ate at subway afterwards, he didn’t even clear his FUCKING TRAY and expects me to clear it?! Afterwards when I reached home he asks me if I want a cookie because I was nearby. DUDE WHY DO U KEEP USING ME, he only looks for me, speaks nicely to me when he’s in a good mood and when she’s not around. SO what if u made friends that are girls in poly that does not mean you FUCK around with someone’s feelings. Ok, I should be civilised and talk about my feelings towards him and hear his side of the story. However, I’m just tired of his bullshit, my other friends also feel the same way about him, not all though. Don’t want to separate the clique because of this but I am going to stop hanging out with him or anyone of them because I just need to feel ok. I just want to be ok. There are also other things he did that are better at justifying my point but I don’t want to note them down. Once you taste the escape of reality it’s hard not to resist the temptation to do it again. Explored a part of botanic gardens with Marcus and Bunny Guardian, it was okay I guess as we didn’t really go in any further to the more interesting parts of botanic gardens. Went to tug a branch like Marcus tried to do while jumping but saw a spider and clashed with Bunny Guardian. I was really clumsy today because, on the mrt, my head banged on the emergency communication system on the mrt, it was loud, I think some of my brain cells died. Marcus was nicer to me, didn’t flame me that much I guess………. Bunny Guardian’s actions have confused me this year, he keeps sending me major mixed signals and I know that they’ll come with consequences for the months to come. To be honest, actually felt used by him but then decided to go with the flow as I don’t want to be the only one with a troubled mind. Like he said I also don’t want to lose that friendship but what if one day one of us expects something out of one another, what if one of us started developing feelings for one another because of these signals and then blames the other for not stopping it. Sure we’re young, things don’t need to be confirmed, we don’t need to find an answer now but my intuition is telling me we’re heading to a dangerous path and should head back before we get trapped in. Haish maybe I’m just too bored that my brain goes and thinks about all these useless shit, all the tiny details in someone’s speech and actions. I really need to either get a break from life or just a distraction.

Crushes: day out with half of the clique

Went out to City hall for lunch and accompany Diam Diam to buy an earphone and headphone for him and his mother. Before that headed to Ryan’s house first to pick up the box for his earphones, honestly the weather was so hot, I was sweating buckets and my hair got all sticky, it was a bad start to begin this day. Out of all the dogs, I’ve met in my life Ryan’s one was the nicest, not overbearing yet quiet. It sniffing my leg did frighten me though……………..

Ate Mos burger for lunch and did felt rushed by him which kind of bothered me but NEVERMIND. Afterwards, cause satan’s spawn number one wants to hang outside and I want to relive my childhood hence I suggested the SCIENCE CENTRE. During that period of walking over from the MRT station to the Science Centre, I can sense that she’s tired but she tried maintaining her energy level. However after entering the Science Centre where there is aircon we felt much better. The best attraction was the earthquake simulator which gave a thrill. Ate Mcdonald for dinner with Bunny guardian and Blackieee, I didn’t finish my fries because I ate too slow……….. and my drink…………………….SHE FUCKING FED ME FRIES WITH CHILI I thpught she was just being sweet but noooooo she had to play me like that.

We headed to Jcube to look around, the first store we went to was a somewhat tightly packed store that sold plushies and bags that’s when he mentioned he wanted a bolster or a pillow for his birthday. Considering but I kind of have something else in mind.

The second store was like a “teenager” store when anything that is in trend among youths was sold there for example cards of the humanity, he wanted to get away with the angry face emoji pillow but stopped him because of what he said just now thought that he might seriously run away with it. I mean you never know or do you. Around this time I felt Bunny guardian’s energy, he was very low spirited, felt like he was hanging on a thread like he’s emo but he’s trying to maintain appearing fine on the outside.

The third store we went to was Miniso, hugged a huge brown fluffy wuffy bear. OMGAWD THAT SKY FLEECE BLANKET THAT Satan’s spawn number one picked out WAS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLUFFY LIKE WOW LITERALLY FELT LIKE I WAS IN THE SKY ON THE CLOUDS that’s how comfy it is. I became a nun afterwards. The selection of soft toys was way better than the ones near my house.

The fourth store was Daiso, ran away from the both of them because we need to discuss something about her privately. Then we headed to the MRT because she needs to reach home soon. Almost fell asleep on the way back then headed to another mall in our area. Reached home, bathed, blogged, skyped then slept.

Okais Nitess

Hate myself

Life is so complicated.

Why is my sense of logic so haywire.

If peace is what I want, is it really what’s best for me.

Feeling like I just want to get over it but what if I regret doing that.

UGH HURTING OTHERS SO THAT I DON’T GET HURT MYSELF IS DESPICABLE .

Not that I intentionally hurt others but I just can’t even comprehend my own thoughts and actions sometimes.

I’m always at fault, I’m always wrong.

Why was I even born.

I hate myself.

Had lunch with wz, had to clear off the air between us and also start chatting with him again as I felt that there was a distance between us and I didn’t want to lose my strong connection with him as a friend. We ate subway, was panicking at certain parts of the meal then made our way to the park. We catched up on certain parts of our life that’s when I felt more calm as everything was back to normal, we were conversing mostly abt school, his crush and some M18 stufff AHAHAHHAAHAHAHAH as per normal.

The problem is that I’ve been sending songs to my friends but none of them seems to take too much interest to them. It would be nice to have a few friends who also enjoy the vibe that pop songs give and appreciate its melody. Haish when you’re obsessed with pop music and need new songs at least once every week. Which is why I DID DO SMTH ABT IT. I went to the app store and downloaded some apps that have these “public chats” where anyone can join in the group without adding the person to your contacts. I joined a few but they were arguing about an artist instead of sharing music. One even stated that I was a lazy ass because I listen to songs on the radio. Technically I searched up all my songs on YouTube and what’s wrong with pop songs. Some people appreciate lyrics more, some the bass,  some the beat and so on but we shouldn’t pull someone down just because they like a genre of music different from yours. Just because someone listens to emo rock doesn’t necessarily mean they are deep. 

Anyways these are all the songs I’ve been listening to recently, I would appreciate any recommendations regardless of its genre.

Charlie puth, attention
Lia marie johnson, cold heart killer
Shawn mendes, there’s nothing holdin’ me back
Tabitha nauser, bulletproof
Mckenzie small, caught feelings
Sabrina carpenter, on purpose
Gryffin,Illenium,Daya, feel good
Aviva, hype
Alessia cara, overdose
SG Lewis, yours
Oh wonder, lifetimes
Dani im, fighting for love
Betty who, mama say
Betty who, human touch
Jojo, Alessia cara, I can only
Dua lipa, last dance
Zayn, still got time
Superfruit, bad4us
Stargate, Sia, P!nk, waterfall
Aanysa, snakehips, burn, break, crash
Julia michaels, issues