Tired and sad

On this route I’m heading, it will be no different than the past. I desperately try every single day to not feel like killing myself. How? When my eyes become watery, when one tear leads to a another and that feeling when yr brain tenses up when u cry. HOW can I ignore that. I just keep thinking that there is something wrong with me, if not why do I keep crying.

My counsellor told me to not let these thoughts control me, to pause and do breathing exercises whenever these flood of negative emotions and thoughts spring up but the reason why they spring up, why I cry is because I’m distressed. It’s because there is certainly something going wrong, I need to relieve the stress I’m receiving.

Honestly I’m not in the right mind now to do anything but it’s so overwhelming. My anxiety triggers my depression and it feels like I’m suffocating, it feels like I’m drowning and I’m trying desperately to breathe. Usually when u get stranded in an island the first survival tip is to find a source of water, then food or shelter but oxygen, one of the three things we rely most on to stay alive, is what I’m lacking.

When I cry my breathing is unsteady, when I’m around people, I get nervous and my breathing gets unsteady too. So most of the day, I receive less than the average amount of oxygen into my system. OK like our brains not receiving sufficient oxygen will most definitely malfunction in a way but WTF I know that there is a logical explanation to mental illness. I know that sometimes I do want answers and logical, scientific answers that can prove the existence of my illness but nobody likes it when their feelings and emotions are disregarded. It’s called depression because I’m depressed, it’s called anxiety because I’m anxious, seems that trying to prove a point is more important to u than saving someone’s life.

A lot of the times when I talk to my friends about my problens, I am at a very emotionally unstable state but something the counsellor told was your friends are there to comfort and support you.

This just keeps happening and I do not want to burden my friends. They always say it’s not burden and maybe they honestly do meant it but I feel unsatisfied. When all people give me are either empty comforting words, typical logical solutions or I don’t knows. I know that they are inexperienced, I know that they don’t know everything BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO.

I know that there are people with physical disability and they mentally experience almost the same feelings as us but for some of us, we were once normal, we once lead a normal life, did normal things and had normal experiences. That just makes the pain more excruiting. I AM FUCKING AWARE that there are physical healthy and normal people who got injured badly and became permanently disabled afterwards but for people who have depression, anxiety or psychosis it’s worser. I’m lacking the ability to be calm in school, my peace is stripped away from me, it’s like having to raise obnoxious kids who will never stop making messes in the house and there is no way to control them because it turns out their robots. I look and seem fine on the outside but it’s a different story for my mental state. However, I shouldn’t be comparing because we both feel the same way in some aspects for e.g. Feeling frustrated when people pity us and asked if they could do anything to help, cause they don’t really mean it. Plus even if they do, if the doctors couldn’t help me then how could you, maybe they meant minor things such as buying you food but that’s honestly somewhat shameful. It is challenging to walk for someone who has a permanently damaged ankle but they know they have to live with it.

It’s me, I’m the one at fault.

Fuck it


It’s wtv

Been suffering for so long.

Denying myself so much.

Thinking that because what I’m feeling and experiencing is better than before hence this is the best I could attain.

What do you do when you can’t find the answer from the people you trust most?

What do you do when the answer you find in yourself just wasn’t enough?

I know I’ve been torturing myself for so long, that when it happened I would deduce it as a natural reaction.

I am aware that I am a naturally dramatic person but that is because what I felt and experienced ISN’T FUCKING MEASURABLE OR CAN BE ASSUMED BASED ON THE DEXTERITY OF THE SITUATION.

For a Sagittarius, losing freedom is the start of their path to insanity.

When no one listens to me it is almost as if I lost my freedom of speech.

Honestly, the only person you can rely upon and trust is yourself, but the problem comes from me.

The mood swings I’ve been having, frequent conversations with myself, craving power, shunning myself from expressing anything and everything.

Running away. I’m such a coward.

Something a Sagittarius is great at is appreciating change, letting go of the past.

I, on the other hand, kept looking back to my past self.

The girl who embraced her uniqueness because she knew she possessed something that others lacked.

The girl who fought for righteousness and justice no matter the consequences.

The girl who exercised free speech at every opportunity because no one was bold enough to say it.

The girl whose faith in herself, made her achieve incredible things.

The girl filled with optimism and enthusiasm gave hope to those who needed it.

No one would believe me but that’s because they didn’t know her like I did.

Every criticism I heard about me, I accept it willingly, foolishly.

Knowing that even if it stems from a biased opinion or a feeling of resentment, it must be true because I too felt that way.

I’m so needy, so weak. OMFG I AM SO DETESTABLE.

I just don’t know what to do because it just never seems enough.

I am not okay.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore because I haven’t been sincere about anything I said for a very long time.




Once there was someone who told me that because I was not able to read the future thus I should not stop seeking help from others, but THAT IS BECAUSE THEY REACT THE SAME SHITTY WAY. Then someone else would tell me to seek a different person. OH SWEET LORD BABY JESUS, I know that there is a fuck ton of people out there but I am close to only so little.

The thing is I don’t want someone who thinks black and white and finds that there must be a logical explanation for everything.

Neither do I want someone who justs tells me that everything is going to be okay and I have nothing to worry about.

I know that most of the time I would never heed my friends’ advice because it just didn’t make sense to me or I’ve tried it and it didn’t produce any result.

I’m just going to feel relieved that I’ve shed some tears and typed somewhat freely, tell my mom really just about anything so she would not worry and then proceed to forget about this the next day.

Update: that was my emotions talking.

OK I think it’s because tmr I need to meet up with my fellow cca members that’s why I’m like freaking out on the inside. The thing is my friend who have always stuck by my side in my cca might not come tmr so………maybe that’s why I’m freaking out a little.

Plus there’s this member who doesn’t like me because I CAN’T MUSTER THE CONFIDENCE TO SING OUT LOUD AND I JUST KEEP STICKING TO THAT FRIEND. I CAN’T HELP IT, I know it’s my fault BUT LIKE IF I KEEP MAKING MISTAKES then I might as well not sing, I might as well quit. For Christ’s sake can I stop being so pessimistic BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I CAN’T. My lips tremble and my eye sometimes twitch when I’m performing, not to mention when I raise my voice I GO OFF KEY. I can’t just miraculously loosen up due to some encouraging words.

Frustrated mind

Went to Haw Par Villa with Marcus, bunny guardian and diam this morning. First thing to take note of, the sun was blazing hot, the time I stepped out was 10:18am. On the mrt I did notice that diam was being rude to me and treated me with that shitty attitude again. This only happened a few days back when we were planning the clique t-shirt with satan’s spawn. He was clearly being biased towards her, his attitude, mannerisms, actions, tone. I swear nowadays I don’t even feel like a woman anymore, not that I need a guy to make me feel confident and special but with all the backlash I’ve been receiving how can I not stop myself from crying. I just care too much about how people, especially my friends treat me. I’m just too needy and clingy sometimes, I wish I was stronger. Diam is such a dick why is he hot one moment with me and cold the other. For example, he fed me chips but maybe that was influenced by bunny guardian and gave me tissues when I was sweating profusely, that’s sweet of him but then when we ate at subway afterwards, he didn’t even clear his FUCKING TRAY and expects me to clear it?! Afterwards when I reached home he asks me if I want a cookie because I was nearby. DUDE WHY DO U KEEP USING ME, he only looks for me, speaks nicely to me when he’s in a good mood and when she’s not around. SO what if u made friends that are girls in poly that does not mean you FUCK around with someone’s feelings. Ok, I should be civilised and talk about my feelings towards him and hear his side of the story. However, I’m just tired of his bullshit, my other friends also feel the same way about him, not all though. Don’t want to separate the clique because of this but I am going to stop hanging out with him or anyone of them because I just need to feel ok. I just want to be ok. There are also other things he did that are better at justifying my point but I don’t want to note them down. Once you taste the escape of reality it’s hard not to resist the temptation to do it again. Explored a part of botanic gardens with Marcus and Bunny Guardian, it was okay I guess as we didn’t really go in any further to the more interesting parts of botanic gardens. Went to tug a branch like Marcus tried to do while jumping but saw a spider and clashed with Bunny Guardian. I was really clumsy today because, on the mrt, my head banged on the emergency communication system on the mrt, it was loud, I think some of my brain cells died. Marcus was nicer to me, didn’t flame me that much I guess………. Bunny Guardian’s actions have confused me this year, he keeps sending me major mixed signals and I know that they’ll come with consequences for the months to come. To be honest, actually felt used by him but then decided to go with the flow as I don’t want to be the only one with a troubled mind. Like he said I also don’t want to lose that friendship but what if one day one of us expects something out of one another, what if one of us started developing feelings for one another because of these signals and then blames the other for not stopping it. Sure we’re young, things don’t need to be confirmed, we don’t need to find an answer now but my intuition is telling me we’re heading to a dangerous path and should head back before we get trapped in. Haish maybe I’m just too bored that my brain goes and thinks about all these useless shit, all the tiny details in someone’s speech and actions. I really need to either get a break from life or just a distraction.

Crushes: day out with half of the clique

Went out to City hall for lunch and accompany Diam Diam to buy an earphone and headphone for him and his mother. Before that headed to Ryan’s house first to pick up the box for his earphones, honestly the weather was so hot, I was sweating buckets and my hair got all sticky, it was a bad start to begin this day. Out of all the dogs, I’ve met in my life Ryan’s one was the nicest, not overbearing yet quiet. It sniffing my leg did frighten me though……………..

Ate Mos burger for lunch and did felt rushed by him which kind of bothered me but NEVERMIND. Afterwards, cause satan’s spawn number one wants to hang outside and I want to relive my childhood hence I suggested the SCIENCE CENTRE. During that period of walking over from the MRT station to the Science Centre, I can sense that she’s tired but she tried maintaining her energy level. However after entering the Science Centre where there is aircon we felt much better. The best attraction was the earthquake simulator which gave a thrill. Ate Mcdonald for dinner with Bunny guardian and Blackieee, I didn’t finish my fries because I ate too slow……….. and my drink…………………….SHE FUCKING FED ME FRIES WITH CHILI I thpught she was just being sweet but noooooo she had to play me like that.

We headed to Jcube to look around, the first store we went to was a somewhat tightly packed store that sold plushies and bags that’s when he mentioned he wanted a bolster or a pillow for his birthday. Considering but I kind of have something else in mind.

The second store was like a “teenager” store when anything that is in trend among youths was sold there for example cards of the humanity, he wanted to get away with the angry face emoji pillow but stopped him because of what he said just now thought that he might seriously run away with it. I mean you never know or do you. Around this time I felt Bunny guardian’s energy, he was very low spirited, felt like he was hanging on a thread like he’s emo but he’s trying to maintain appearing fine on the outside.

The third store we went to was Miniso, hugged a huge brown fluffy wuffy bear. OMGAWD THAT SKY FLEECE BLANKET THAT Satan’s spawn number one picked out WAS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLUFFY LIKE WOW LITERALLY FELT LIKE I WAS IN THE SKY ON THE CLOUDS that’s how comfy it is. I became a nun afterwards. The selection of soft toys was way better than the ones near my house.

The fourth store was Daiso, ran away from the both of them because we need to discuss something about her privately. Then we headed to the MRT because she needs to reach home soon. Almost fell asleep on the way back then headed to another mall in our area. Reached home, bathed, blogged, skyped then slept.

Okais Nitess

Hate myself

Life is so complicated.

Why is my sense of logic so haywire.

If peace is what I want, is it really what’s best for me.

Feeling like I just want to get over it but what if I regret doing that.


Not that I intentionally hurt others but I just can’t even comprehend my own thoughts and actions sometimes.

I’m always at fault, I’m always wrong.

Why was I even born.

I hate myself.

Had lunch with wz, had to clear off the air between us and also start chatting with him again as I felt that there was a distance between us and I didn’t want to lose my strong connection with him as a friend. We ate subway, was panicking at certain parts of the meal then made our way to the park. We catched up on certain parts of our life that’s when I felt more calm as everything was back to normal, we were conversing mostly abt school, his crush and some M18 stufff AHAHAHHAAHAHAHAH as per normal.

The problem is that I’ve been sending songs to my friends but none of them seems to take too much interest to them. It would be nice to have a few friends who also enjoy the vibe that pop songs give and appreciate its melody. Haish when you’re obsessed with pop music and need new songs at least once every week. Which is why I DID DO SMTH ABT IT. I went to the app store and downloaded some apps that have these “public chats” where anyone can join in the group without adding the person to your contacts. I joined a few but they were arguing about an artist instead of sharing music. One even stated that I was a lazy ass because I listen to songs on the radio. Technically I searched up all my songs on YouTube and what’s wrong with pop songs. Some people appreciate lyrics more, some the bass,  some the beat and so on but we shouldn’t pull someone down just because they like a genre of music different from yours. Just because someone listens to emo rock doesn’t necessarily mean they are deep. 

Anyways these are all the songs I’ve been listening to recently, I would appreciate any recommendations regardless of its genre.

Charlie puth, attention
Lia marie johnson, cold heart killer
Shawn mendes, there’s nothing holdin’ me back
Tabitha nauser, bulletproof
Mckenzie small, caught feelings
Sabrina carpenter, on purpose
Gryffin,Illenium,Daya, feel good
Aviva, hype
Alessia cara, overdose
SG Lewis, yours
Oh wonder, lifetimes
Dani im, fighting for love
Betty who, mama say
Betty who, human touch
Jojo, Alessia cara, I can only
Dua lipa, last dance
Zayn, still got time
Superfruit, bad4us
Stargate, Sia, P!nk, waterfall
Aanysa, snakehips, burn, break, crash
Julia michaels, issues

Something positive

To spread some light upon this intensive week for me, I decided to write down my thoughts for today. 

My thoughts on why I wanted to attend Artbox :

Really wanted to go to artbox today. Didn’t want to mope at home and thought I should live young like partying with my friends. The problem is I don’t have a lot of friends and I’m not old enough to enter a club. Which is why when I knew abt this event from a friend of mine I was like why not since its almost like a festival. This what happens when concerts are too expensive and you’re too young for zoukout. 
My sibling’s and mine oufit : 

Went with ryan and my “older sibling”GAWD she’s so pretty, her sense of style never cease to amaze me though we did kind of plan the same outfit from the start. We both wore a off the shoulder top with straps and a black a line skirt, to be more specific she was wearing a circle skirt with pockets from Cotton on.with However, she had a choker on with a black fake lip ring, nerdy glasses which make her look hip, a button up style denim with straps off the shoulder top and matched it all off with a plum shade lip tint from Etude house. The dear darling lip tint in BK801, I think you can only get it in stores since I can’t find it on the offical online store. Her shoes were from Rubi and one of the straps were glittery, they were too long hence she made them lace up, its in a maroon shade and the style of the shoes are like vans,  the authentic line. Whilst mine was a daisy baby blue with straps off the shoulder top and the A line skirt with a fake pocket plus I topped it all off with a typical red korean gradient lips. Haish I look like a less stylish version of her and my shoe was not sure which one but they were low-top Cons, white with black logo and backing. Wanted to wear another off the shoulder top but this one didnt had straps so I thought it was a bit indecent to show my straps. I ended up wearing a black choker top, like Emma watson once said, “My idea of sexy is that less is more.The less you reveal the more people can wonder.” I don’t need to be revealing to appear attractive not like there was much to attract anyway most of the people who went were couples. 

Enjoyable part of the trip : 

Ok now back to topic what was made this day special was that I didn’t panic on the whole entire trip, I felt so peaceful. My flatulence didn’t act out except for a bit at the end of my trip. Being with them makes me feel like I’m neither going to be judged nor pressurised to a certain extent. My hands were not clammy although now that I think about it was Ryan’s arm cold????? Anyways though we didn’t explore much but viewing the stalls’ menus and watching other people moving was just relaxing???? Ok it sounds weird but being in a place that I normally would be scared to visit but felt at peace in and actually see the world for itself once was captivating okayyyyyyy. Then we went to had dinner at toast box. Treated Ryan and I was struggling with the soft boiled egg but thankfully Ryan helped me with the other egg. My sibling’s lip tint came off like crazy but managed to stain her lips well at the end of the day. Eating breakfast at night was oddly satisfying, doing anything out of the norm is usually my favourite activity but not like drinking bleach and setting hand sanitiser on fire kind of activity😓😓😓 I was just so in the moment that even when I heard people talking about us I ignored with ease. This was the first after the start of my psychosis that I actually did that. I felt so normal in such a long time. However, I did had to add that they weren’t saying anything particularly negative. Entering the shoppes made me felt a bit out of place as there were a lot high-end stores and adults hanging around, worried about my bag which looked very similar to a branded bag but you can tell that its not because of the colour. Regardless the cheese on my cheesy ham egg toast really heightened the level of flavour of my toast and I had fun overall. 

Poly life and remaining thoughts about my friends : 

Haizz but I have to adjust back into poly life where I basically get headaches by the end of the day. Even eating becomes stressful. Feels a bit of distance from wz, I shall give him one day to sort out his feelings first then ask him how was his first day of school. He says his tolerance is getting lower and his consideration towards other has lessened from my point of view. He just lol and rarely HAHAHHAHAH nowadays. Yes, they are very minor details but when it comes to him I don’t think its minor any more. As for my other friends I guess I should just let them live their lives. I mean at some point I have to move on I guess, besides the less we see each other the more we have to talk about IN SOME CASES. I really don’t know what to think after all to me all my friends are irreplaceable. Maybe almost everyone thinks that way but the intensity of how they feel is different. Going to poly nearly everyone is mature and chill but serious about studies. I’m the same but on the weekends I just wanna be different maybe it’s because of my wanderlust that I become so desperate for wanting to go out. 

Poly thoughts : 

I’m not sure I’m suited for a designing course because designing requires more of critical thinking then aesthetics. Which I base my designs mostly only on intuition and inspiration. Honestly kind of worried for my interest group auditions as I need to find a song that’s my vocal range, easy to sing but can still make a good impression andhaveand memorise it all by maybe monday so I have enough practise time. UGH I KNOW THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER GREAT SINGERS BUT I WANNA CHASE AFTER MY PASSION is that too much to ask…..

I’m still nervous when I present in class,  my hand even trembled once and two of my classmates made fun of me for that Ugh it affected me so much. How am I suppose to improve. No matter how much I want to d.g.a.f I CAN’T. I WAS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK THIS THURSDAY though  I didn’t regret crying and having a swollen right eye in the next morning.

Abnormal but sweet : 

One thing that surprised me this week was my dad, he bought me an obsedian ball on apr 15 which we technically last week but he got a obsedian in a crystal ball size on like tuesday???  and a obsedian bracelet on wednesday. Obsedian’s properties are that it protects you from psychic attacks, clearing out negative energy in your aura and its a stone of prophecy but if u read up more or crystals you would know that each obsedian crystal actually has its individual funciton. For example, the crystal ball could be meant for predicting the while the smaller size obsedian sphere could be about giving you clear answers to your present situation. Plus obsedian is actually a Sagittarius’s birthstone. So I really appreciate my father doing this even if it was out of his own interest and boredom 😓 

Not depending on astrology as much as before : 

I’ve learned that knowing which zodiac sign is compatible with yours is important and all but that shouldn’t stop you from interacting and discovering another person. Everyone is different and their moon and rising sign can affect a lot on their personalities. Besides you can’t remember all the supposed traits of someone’s birth chart. Sure I may use it to judge people sometimes and possibly know how to avoid arguements with this person but I shall treat everyone with as much fairness as I can give. Depending on how unaware and exhausted I am…….Heck I didn’t even ask my poly friends what’s their zodiac signs

Ok this a lengthy blog, congratulations for making it till the end!!  Sorry I have a lot on my mind but thank you hehe😘😘


Why isn’t my mom taking me seriously.

She’s seen what I’ve done before what makes her think I’m not desperate enough to do it again.

I’m scared and tired of being scared but I’m not strong enough to support myself, to acknowledge who I am.

I hate it, it drives me up the wall.

Idw to be humiliated for something I can’t control, idw to be shunned, idw to be the only one that’s going to accept myself.

Im not hallucinating this time, I clearly saw what she did, I clearly saw her standing behind me then laughing with her friends and at the every she directed her hands towards me.

Fml I don’t want to go to school today.

First two days of school

I have never been so tired out by a school in my life as of now.

On the first day, I had to utilise so much of my brain to generate ideas plus my team and I had to come with two presentations in one day. LIKE WHAT. It’s already stressful to manage time doing the powerpoint slides now we have to speak in front of the class with confidence for two times?!?!??!?!? Furthermore, we were given a lot of homework which is why I felt so drained and didn’t felt like blogging.

On the second day, it was even worse, I had no one to eat with and the person who sat beside me was from another class. THANKFULLY she was nice, sweet and experienced with one of the software we would be working a lot on for the whole year. I’m rushing myself to become numb to all emotions and just be used to feeling loneliness. My mom said I should try approaching others but the problem is would it be better to become a third wheeler or a loner hmmm………….. Ryan gave me a great suggestion and that is to sketch my ideas how to improve a software’s user experience but the problem is that I’m too shy to draw in front of others……..and I don’t want to appear like a goody two shoes. WHY SHOULD I CARE OMG NOT LIKE THEY CARE ABT ME except for this girl who likes anime she seems nice.

For the past two days, my heart has been palpitating very fast when I pass by people and my flatulence caused by my anxiety has returned WHICH IS THE WORST CASE SCENARIO. It has become more increasingly noticeable as the next day approaches, I guess after experiencing the holiday I can’t adjust that well around a crowd of people. I just hope I don’t get shunned again. I go to poly to restart my life not relive it


I am tired of constantly trying to appear fine

I am tired of the voices in my head

I am tired of myself

I created you but why can’t I destroy you?

If medicine can’t kill you , what can?



I really need to change my mindset if I want to improve

But it’s easier said then done