I don’t even f*cking know what to write or where to start. I’ve been wanting to blog for a very long time and was awaiting my 2 weeks, after Mid Semester Assesment holiday to start blogging on a site I created using Wix.
Had a lot of fun creating it, applied the things I’ve learned in Tools for Interaction Design, a module in my course that teaches about the basics of designing a website and the interactions with it.
Here’s my site: https://einsteiney.wixsite.com/einstein-d0c
It looks so pathetic with that one blog post just over there, I mean what was I thinking??? starting a new blog. I had a previous blog beforehand called Ophiuchus Dimension. I forgot why I chose an Elsa picture as my header but I remembered it was because I had a cold heart so “ice queen” seems appropriate. Having a cold heart is another point to touch on because I think I’m a sensitive person.
My previous blog lacked a lot in a lot of areas HAHAHHA. It was at a point in time when my mental illness had a lot of control over me and my thoughts were irrational. I was honestly trying too hard, being perfect and worrying about what the people online might think. There weren’t many who read my blog and there I was being paranoid about some readers recognising me, really huiqing.
I don’t know what to do now that I have this three blogs, because if I only update my new blog then I would be making the same mistake as the past; not embracing my flaws and appreciating growth. Yes, I can use the new blog as my main and update this blog from time to time but then I have to think what would this blog be for, in addition, I’m not someone who is consistent hence I think I should just focus on one blog site. Although I really like and honestly am proud of my site but the blogging function here is better.
A Sh*t tons of things went on for Semester 2. Some of the things are due to the problems I didn’t resolve in semester 1. One major thing that happened was that I quit my secondary school friends group chat, without giving an explanation. I was in a very negative state of mind at that time, but I don’t regret it. I am aware and understand that everyone is busy and have their own lives to deal with, but as someone who is still going through depression and anxiety, I need support in which they are not able to provide. I don’t think I’m asking a lot, just talk to me and check up on how I’m doing from time to time, meet up with me occasionally, I don’t think that’s a lot to sacrifice for. (Note that I’m not saying all my friends do this, even so they don’t do it all the time) I’ve felt this ever since secondary 4 but it only worsened due to the transition into out tertiary education path. It was my environment that worsened my condition. For a very long time I blamed the gossiping and name calling in sec 4 for the cause of my mental illnesses but no, it has never been that way, mental illnesses don’t just spring up out of a sudden. I felt that they had forgotten about the existence of my mental illness. Marcus said before that it’s because he had no knowledge and had no experience dealing with people undergoing mental illness which I understand and see in his actions. However, there are times when I received insensitive comments from people and people not being honest with me. This statement is made with consideration of recent and past cases. There is the factor of considering how sensitive I am and what were the words they said, plus the context of the situation.
Okay so from my point of view the situation went down like this.
After my diagnosis they paid more attention, showed that they care by asking how I felt and how my experience was at the end of the day. They would come to meet me, and I felt that there was his shield around me which made me feel safe, gave me security hence improving my anxiety. However, this only lasted for one week.
Soon they have gone back to the way they act on a normal day, occasionally asking me if I’m okay. I have told them before what triggers my anxiety and the things I have avoided are blatantly displayed. I’m not talking about them trying to help me by making me step out of my comfort zone, although I do have to mention that they could have done it in a gentler way and gave some sort of Plan B instead of verbal assurance, I’m talking about things such as being left alone.
Frequently the guys will say, we are here what is there to worry about.
Firstly, as someone diagnosed with anxiety overthinking is one of the symptoms and they take at least one year to cure or manage.
Secondly, you guys were there for me before I was diagnosed, and I still wanted to attempt suicide. I had told a lot of people about the things I went through and the pain I felt, in addition, tried a lot of things and followed advices to resolve the problems I faced, before resulting to more harmful means of dealing with the pain, but it still lead to me attempting suicide.
For anyone reading this and my past blog posts as well you might have notice that I kept expanding on a point and being defensive. That’s because I’ve felt wronged. This will be explained later on.
What happened due to the above scenario is that I had to learn to fend and grow stronger faster. Which is why I stopped medication for less than a year, this kind of recovery is considered miraculous for someone who has such intense anxiety that it leads to developing psychosis. You could say they were being ignorant but honey let me tell you with amount of times they told me “I understand what you are going through blah blah blah”, no u have no fucking idea what I’m going through because if you did you wouldn’t have said this and done that so don’t be that arrogant fucker and think you can come and control my life like that. There was a certain few that made me feel comfortable but like I said they didn’t put me as their priority in life and just can’t make the effort to help me out, since my problems aren’t small thus the help I require aren’t that small either. Even though all I ask is what a friend is somewhat expected to do like letting me rant. Maybe that’s why I also felt that they weren’t my friends. The pressuring environment, which was also contributed by my family made it very suffocating and believe me when I said I have told them but they either turn a blind eye to it or is just not consistent with the way they act. That’s why I shut myself out, in fact some people notice that, the people I’m referring to are classmates, those not close to me. They notice that I’m awfully quiet, almost everyone including me thought that this behaviour was just part of me, but it wasn’t.
I felt wronged because multiple people who I trust, including my family, made me feel that I was not trying enough to be better, even if I didn’t they just gave remarks, never made any actions and was gentle with their approach plus gave me some sort of security. For example asking me to go out and be used to having people nearby but not accompanying me to go and not visiting an area that has a few passers-by. I remember someone once telling me that I can’t depend on them all the time and I have to face things on my own sometimes, but they were not being objective because they did not factor the things I’ve done without their help and how recently I was just diagnosed.
The feeling of being wronged just made me felt more alone, I was always striving to be perfect, never spoke much of my concerns, constantly saying that I was okay with almost anything in the past. This continued to later in my life.
During the first two weeks of poly I did not make friends because of the above stated things I had become more soft-spoken in public and had trust issues opening up. I told my friends, but they did nothing much (I know that in this situation it’s not like they can transfer to my school and be my friend in class. I’m not focusing on physical support) they said you will get friends soon enough, or I’ve never had any friends for one year and I’m still fine. Are you fucking kidding me, if I even need to explain myself for not being accepting of these comments then there is something wrong with you. I’m still going to explain myself anyways because there are some brainless people who need to reconsider life choices out there.
Firstly, not everyone is like you, even if we are of the same species. If you disagree, then explain why even though you might suffer from mental illness, it has not lead to a psychotic disorder. Don’t fucking stoop to the level of saying that I’m weak, having more sensitivity to emotions is not weak. If you got a better point, then tell me and let’s discuss it.
Secondly, two weeks is a lot and under the context that everyone in my class has already belong in a clique is just bizarre for even you to mention that two weeks is too little. Also, I have told you before about the everyone belonging to a clique thing.
Due to that I started distancing and depended more on myself. I became more positive and soon showed a personality that was similar to secondary 1. However, speaking out about the things that frustrates me still was a problem. In semester 2, I was more stressed because we had more classes that were mixed with students from other courses and other schools. Furthermore, there was more general modules which gave not only me but my friends more stress too. Hence, I was more sensitive to things and got more triggered easily.
I asked where to get films in Singapore in the group, after not talking in the group for so long. I did that because my friend in CCA told me that it takes two hands to clap, I need to make the effort of showing commitment and wanting to get close to them too by updating the attendance and replying noted to the important messages. At first, I got some suggestions but zhe wei had the audacity to say why not you google it yourself. I then replied, “if you have nothing good to say can you just fucking shut up.” Due to some things that happened between us our relationship worsened, and we distanced but Jia Ying told me he still talks to Yu tong which received a wtf reaction from me. Zhe wei is a very salty guy, holds grudges and acts very biased. I have tried to talk in the group this year in an approach to show that I’m making effort as well to remain friends with them, but he almost never replies. There was this time Derrick said he was going to work for the ice cream event job and I replied I’m coming or something like that, then the group chatted until in the evening he asked if anyone wanted to come, then Zhe wei said smth like he needs to see but is probably going. OKAY THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HE SAYS “Oh shit.” “I’ve got this” “and this” “that’s why I can’t come” Zhe wei is not the type of person to say oh shit also he does not break his points and follow up like this. I may have just been overthinking, but I’ve had enough, I’m not going to wait for anyone to see how much I’ve been wronged and stand up for me because they almost never did. So, I spoke out. For your information, whenever anyone of them requires information to find something he would give suggestions and never told them to look it up on the phone. Even if it was Derrick, he would tease him a little but still gave some information at the end of the day. Furthermore, films are not easy to find in our modern society today, I’m not asking you to help me find a motherfucking pencil. Also, he was the one who told me before that he had cycle around Yishun a lot and if I had any enquiries of the place I could ask him, cause he most likely would know. In addition, I would want to know where the nearest place is to find some and as someone who has travelled to almost every corner in Yishun, it’s not unreasonable to expect him or even Derrick and the others to have a slight idea as to where I might be able to find it. As a friend, shouldn’t you want to help and show that you care. I’m not dealing with anymore of this bullshit anymore. I’m not dealing with people who don’t want to invest time in helping me, I’m not dealing with people who doesn’t want to meet me just to have a personal talk and update each other on the things that have been happening with our lives.
I would also just like to say that it was very unfair because compared to the times zhe wei has complained and ranted about the emotional stuff he has dealt with, our last chat on how I’m not willing to listen and close minded I was that ended our conversation was nothing close to that. The times I had to console him and kept giving advise but it persisted for almost all the times we spoke, even when we met up he spoke about it too. The amount of energy I gave to listen and to be there for him when he was troubled formed into physical health issues. I couldn’t think straight, had extreme dizziness and when I walked I felt like fainting. It was partially my fault as I did not confront him about how I felt that he wasn’t listening to me and letting me talk, but on the times, we’ve talked sometimes he made me felt that the problem he faced was worse. Which might be true in some cases.
Due to that, I told Marcus what happened because I thought he was a logical person but he’s more analytical and biasedness is present in him. He shared it to Zhe wei, which I totally felt betrayed and I understand when he said we are friends and as friends we should talk it out, that’s why he told zhe wei. I felt so wronged because this is so unfair, I told Marcus before an information and he said I assumed you told me a secret but because I am someone you can trust so it’s okay, just learn not to have a loose mouth next time. I said that the person didn’t say to keep it as a secret but he said somethings are secrets without needing the person sharing it, to state that anyways. Which I listened and understood but the secret came from a friend of ours and it was also in a situation that we had to talk it out.
I am not someone who holds grudges or nit-picks on things, my younger sister is my witness because I often forget the mistakes she has made (believe me she does) and I only nit-pick when she burns me and I’m trying to save my pride and ego.
It’s 3am, I have a lot of points to talk about, but I don’t think I’m going to further elaborate on this with my next blog post, maybe more on striving perfection and thinking that one would like the real me. In my opinion, this blog post is smooth in transition from point to point because I’m not holding back my thoughts and am using real names. Wow huiqing good job on not fucking up your body clock, especially when you are currently receiving stress and fatigue related health problems.